Wednesday, December 28, 2011

...for a real apology...

from you, instead of a reverse apology from me.

recently, so infuriated have i become at the modern world's lack of etiquette and politeness, i have begun reverse apologising.

you've probably done it yourself, quite innocently.

you know the scenario: you go into a store and are told they don't have enough change for you to make your purchase. what do most people do? instead of saying "didn't it occur to you to make sure you had enough change to satisfy all your customers. it's part of running a business like this. why should i be expected to come in with the exact money" we offer a meek apology and return the unpaid for purchase to the shelf, i've even offered to go to the store next door to see if they have change. the apology should be travelling the other way. yet it rarely does.

or: an old lady in the supermarket inadvertently whacks your shin with her walking stick and what do you do? you apologise to her when what you really want to say is "why don't you watch where you're going you stupid old bitch".

i now go out of my way to offer effusive reverse apologies
 in the hope that they might stimulate the tiniest wave of recognition from the recipient.

"oh, i'm terribly sorry you kept me waiting".

of course they never do.

i also indulge myself with reverse etiquette.

invariably people rarely thank me for holding a door open
 for them so, as they pass, i thank them.

you probably think my actions are petty and small-minded,
 and you'd be right.

but i don't care. and i won't apologise for them.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

...for the perfect espresso... (part six)

for the avoidance of being fobbed off with a viennois
 when you'd asked for a con panna.

there must remain honour amongst coffee drinkers.

it'll never happen to me again.

i'm having this graphic tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. 
i'll see it every time i blink.

graphic by orbitvisual.com

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

...for a licence to behave like an 89 year old baroness...

who flicked off a baron in the british house of lords, 
and then coolly returned to her crossword.

i can't believe i missed this when it happened last month
 during a debate to mark armistice day.

the baron, tom king, had referred to the fact that "survivors of world war two were getting on a bit these days", a comment that baroness trumpington (you couldn't make these names up, could you?) objected to, particularly since she is a survivor herself. 
now 89 she served her country admirably during the war.

the last thing she wanted was a 77 year old young-slip-of-a-thing like this getting cheeky with her.

the two fingered salute, although common, 
has never been accepted as polite behaviour.

but, so it seems, an 89 year old can do it at will and
 without fear of admonishment.

now that i know this, i can't wait until i'm 89. i'll be flicking people off all the time and never apologising for it.

you can see the feisty trumpington at work here:


the act itself is fascinating enough. 
invariably it is given purely as an insult.

the story goes that it has its origin during the hundred years war during the 1400s (france v england - apparently still continuing today on some levels).

those pesky french acquired the habit of lopping off the arrow-shooting figures of captured english archers and bowmen. digitally complete english militarymen took to showing off their two-fingers at the french before they engaged in battle.

the sentiment remains to this day deep within 
the heart of every true englishman:

"show me a frenchman, and i will show him two fingers"

just ask david cameron, he'll tell you the same.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

...for cottage cheese...

and there's none to be found. anywhere.

which is weird.

i've even started looking at methods of how to make it myself.

which is disturbing and in any civilised society
 should be unnecessary.

i wonder if cottage cheese travels well through the mail?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

...for a number i can visualise...

sometimes it occurs to me that i am, perhaps, 
a man of very little brain.

everything around me is delivered in very big terms. 
the bigger the number the more interesting the story 
is perceived to be. apparently.

i'm not quite sure throughout what period of my life
 i began to get lost.

i am in control of my faculties throughout february, but visit me at the end of january, march, july, august, october or december and watch me fade. every leap year i take to my bed for one whole day.


i feel far more comfortable travelling at 70 miles per hour than i ever will at 112.654 kilometres per hour.

and i feel completely lost in a world of 7 billion souls.

when quantifying pi a figure of '3.1415' has always been sufficient for my practical purposes, although i understand that it has been computed (by people with far too much time on their hands i fear) to more than a trillion decimal places. and all this whilst a shorter version (to just 39 decimal places) would have provided enough accuracy to calculate the circumference of a circle as wide as the universe and with the precision of the size of one hydrogen atom. just thinking of that is giving me a nose-bleed.

i've been trying to find an accurately reported figure for total global debt. but it seems it is just too terrible an amount for anyone to have been brave enough to write down anywhere. 

i did read that the united states has (or had when i checked it a few days ago) a total debt of $15 trillion. which is nice for them since, if i'm honest with you, i don't really know what a trillion looks like. it is shortened to 'tr.' though, and that makes it far less threatening, although it's still not as friendly as its cousin 'bill.'

i think the time has come for more honesty in numbering.

such ridiculously large numbers are only quoted because they are too big for us to challenge. the truth is that no one even knows how much uncle sam owes, but the effect on the listener after hearing a figure of multiple-trillions is to render them temporarily blind and slightly paralysed. 
that's what happens to me anyway.

i have resolved, in future, to give a blanket term to any numbers larger than those i can comfortably imagine.

if i say it forcefully enough perhaps you too will go blind and feel tremors running the length of your limbs.

i've decided on 'vagillion'.

i think it is unsettling on more than one level, and delivered with a straight back and direct eye contact i fancy it will cure me of my hitherto debilitating phobia for large numbers.

i'll let you know how it goes.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

...for the first mince pie of the season...

nothing counts down the days until christmas better than
 regular ingestion of mince pies.

i am horror-struck to discover my traditional supplier of such festive fare has sought to 'improve' their offering. 

this year 'mince pies' are off the menu, and have been 
replaced by 'deluxe mince pies'.

the prefix of 'deluxe' is explained by the fact that these pies now also have cream on the inside and custard on the outside.

which means they are not mince pies any more.

i didn't buy any.

why can't people just leave things alone?

these days i increasingly find that 
'luxury' is rarely a good thing.


regular, and eagle-eyed, readers of my posts will have spotted something in the image above that will have brought at least some joy to my heart. click here for a timely reminder. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

...for somewhere to call home... (part two)

prefabs sprout again.

prefabs never went away, they just got reinvented as
 'modular homes'.


factory built and assembled on site, these homes are not the future, but they are surely part of the future.

the mere knowledge that blu homes are built in a disused submarine factory is enough reason alone for me to want one.


i'll have mine without the jaunty music and woolly hats though. thank you very much.

Monday, December 5, 2011

...for the perfect ride... (part four)

and it looks likely to be found in amsterdam.
at least i would be amongst kindred spirits.

graphic courtesy of adam spawton-rice and via dave moulton

whilst still searching i have got close to the
 perfect ride on other occasions:

Sunday, December 4, 2011

...for eternal life...

not for myself, but instead for the products that i buy.

why does most of what we buy 'date' so quickly?
because 'most' of what we buy is not designed well.
or at least not designed 'honestly'.

look at the products shown here. you couldn't be sure when they were designed. they all look current. they all look desirable.
juicer
radio
lighter

in fact they were designed (from top to bottom) in
 1959, 1972, 1961 and 1968.

they are all designs as relevant today as they were
 forty and fifty years ago.

why?
because the designer, dieter rams, obeyed the rules which one day he would go ahead and crystallize in this form:

1 - good design is innovative
2 - good design makes a product useful
3 - good design is aesthetic
4 - good design makes a product understandable
5 - good design is unobtrusive
6 - good design is honest
7 - good design is long-lasting
8 - good design is thorough, down to the last detail
9 - good design is environmentally-friendly
10 - good design is as little design as possible

it is ignorance of one or many of these 'ten commandments' that causes today's designers to create our world today.

and we are the ones who let them get away with it.

#morefoolus

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

...for the ideal wavelength...

if there's one thing i take seriously, it's radio.

and for radiophiles such as me there's never been
 a better time than now.

i used to have a radio in every room of the home,
 and i could move from room to room without missing a word
 or a beat. back in the day i had five national (british) networks i could tune into, together with a couple of local stations.

today there are thousands at my digital fingertips.

i've dallied with many, but always return to the bbc.

not the (international) bbc world service, you understand,
 but the real (national) bbc.

this is a secret that us brits like to keep to ourselves.
 in the same way we've known for years that the french keep the best wine for themselves and only export second-rate vintages, we've been doing the same with our radio since 1932. 

  there's a substantial difference between the output of
 the world service and the national networks.

if you're an international listener to the bbc's world service
 i heartily recommend that you find radio 4 
on the bbc's iplayer and give it a try.


but don't let anyone know who told you, otherwise that'll be my chance of a knighthood gone. and i really want one of those.

Monday, November 28, 2011

...for a great song about coffee...

i spend too much time thinking and reading about coffee.
but i also spend a lot of time drinking it too.

i got thinking about how, although coffee has percolated* deep into our psyche over many centuries, it has inspired, to my mind,
 only pitifully poor songs to be written about it.

doubtless many more have been written during late-night sessions fueled by it (and, who knows, perhaps even harder substances).

coffee and song are indivisible.

but why so few great songs?

i commented on sketchbloom whilst considering this conundrum, 
and here is her sage response: sketchbloom - fall bouquet

*percolated - clever aren't i?

some of my previous outstanding coffee-related posts:

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

...for a blessed release...

hasidic jews are, apparently, prevented by religious rules
 from breaking wind whilst wearing their hat.

the next time one of these crazy cats doffs his at you, you might like to ask yourself, and perhaps him, why he is doing it.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

...for a cake more perfect than this...

battenberg.
can there be a more perfect or more comforting confection?

it's doubtful.

first made in 1884 for the wedding of one of queen victoria's granddaugters to prince louis of battenberg, the cake has been an established element of the very best english high teas ever since.

whilst many cakes are best when home-made (christmas, simnel and lemon-drizzle rank high amongst them), battenberg is at its finest when consumed fresh out of a box. 

when next there is a slice of marks & spencer battenberg cake on the plate in front of me, i will know that all is well in my life.
(i was, for a while, acquaintance to a battenberg
 of the human variety.
we never discussed cakes. nor ate any.
on reflection i feel this ranks as a missed opportunity).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

...for a quieter life...

visual pollution is as devastating as noise pollution.

everywhere i look i see the results of over-designing, too many graphics, and 'creatives' not knowing where to stop.

how much more pleasant would it be, for example, to walk the supermarket aisles and to see familiar products looking like this:

Sunday, November 13, 2011

...for the shortest queue...

i'm british. we love to queue.

if no queue exists, you can count on two brits 
to get together and form one.

it is not, regrettably, quite the same art-form it used to be.
 one rarely sees queue-rs / queuesters / queuees camping out overnight in order to gain entry to anything
 (unless it is an apple store, and that doesn't count
 because it's driven by pointless consumerism).

apparently other nationalities queue too.
 out of necessity though, rather than for pleasure.

the diane arbus retrospective, currently showing at the jeu de paume in paris, has had heart-sinkingly lengthy queues, as has london's national gallery's leonardo at the court of milan show.

regrettably i have been unable to join the throngs
 queuing for either of these. 

it got me thinking though - how long is too long to queue?

i'm not sure.

but i did begin to wonder if, once an artist's show becomes
 a blockbuster, perhaps their game is over.

Friday, November 11, 2011

...for the perfect ride... (part three)

blue sky and the long shadows of winter sunshine.
close to perfection.

which makes this taste even more rewarding at the end of it...
i woke as an englishman,
but feel tonight i shall sleep like a belgian.
(you'd have to be a cyclist to understand)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

...for a good book...

call me shallow (no, actually please don't!), but i was going through a list of '100 books to read before you die' and became quite ashamed as i realised how few of them i've actually read.

examples:
in search of lost time by marcel proust - no
tristram shandy by laurence sterne - nein
suite francaise by irène némirovsky - non
the glass bead game by herman hesse - seriously?

but then i looked at someone else's list, far less high-brow,
 and discovered i have (pretty much) read them all.

i feel much better about myself now.

forget the books, i shall instead be more selective about
 which lists i read in future.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

...for a reason to be bothered... (again)

idiots.

...for educational fulfillment...

i can hardly believe my good fortune.

this morning i received an email from a professor julius tumwebaze of the university of kampala, in which he has offered me a degree of my own for only $59.95.

how lovely.

now all i have to do is decide what i want it in,
 and where to hang it.

it makes me wonder why anyone would study for years to get one of their own when there are good people like professor julius around.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

...for the perfect brain nourishment...

i feed my brain on a daily smörgåsbord of bbc radio,
 london's 'i' newspaper, the iht, a small selection of what i perceive as reliable internet-based news sources, and an even smaller selection of those who i perceive as reliable, well-informed and entertaining 'bloggers' and 'tweeters'.

a recurring highlight is the weekend edition of the financial times (at the weekend there's less about the finance,
 and more about these times).

since 2007 i have gorged (almost) monthly on tyler brûlé's
 'monocle' magazine.

surely this is what all publications dream of becoming
 when they grow up.

now brûlé has launched 'monocle 24 radio', and my life is complete.

you can, and indeed must, discover it for yourself here

Saturday, November 5, 2011

...for a renaissance in etiquette...

i had a piece of cake with my espresso today.

it was nothing special, nor anywhere special.

what made it remarkable was that it was served (rather curiously, on a saucer) with a cake-fork.

i don't eat a lot of cake, but it reminded me what a difference it makes when any food is served with the correct cutlery.

one important tip i learned many years ago was to:
'never eat with a spoon what you can eat with a fork'

Monday, October 31, 2011

...for a mechanical soul...

i love typewriters. and i love the typewritten word.

i've also spent many happy hours taking mechanical entities apart. and even more (almost) rebuilding them.

i thought i would enjoy the work of todd mclellan more than i did.

i thought i would see the soul of a typewriter.

instead i saw nothing more than a mortician sees on his slab.

still, you might see things differently...
http://www.toddmclellan.com/ and click on 'new work'