...for a real apology...

from you, instead of a reverse apology from me.

recently, so infuriated have i become at the modern world's lack of etiquette and politeness, i have begun reverse apologising.

you've probably done it yourself, quite innocently.

you know the scenario: you go into a store and are told they don't have enough change for you to make your purchase. what do most people do? instead of saying "didn't it occur to you to make sure you had enough change to satisfy all your customers. it's part of running a business like this. why should i be expected to come in with the exact money" we offer a meek apology and return the unpaid for purchase to the shelf, i've even offered to go to the store next door to see if they have change. the apology should be travelling the other way. yet it rarely does.

or: an old lady in the supermarket inadvertently whacks your shin with her walking stick and what do you do? you apologise to her when what you really want to say is "why don't you watch where you're going you stupid old bitch".

i now go out of my way to offer effusive reverse apologies

 in the hope that they might stimulate the tiniest wave of recognition from the recipient.

"oh, i'm terribly sorry you kept me waiting".

of course they never do.

i also indulge myself with reverse etiquette.

invariably people rarely thank me for holding a door open

 for them so, as they pass, i thank them.

you probably think my actions are petty and small-minded,

 and you'd be right.

but i don't care. and i won't apologise for them.

...for the perfect espresso... (part six)

for the avoidance of being fobbed off with a viennois

 when you'd asked for a con panna.

there must remain honour amongst coffee drinkers.

it'll never happen to me again.

i'm having this graphic tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. 

i'll see it every time i blink.

graphic by orbitvisual.com

...for a licence to behave like an 89 year old baroness...

who flicked off a baron in the british house of lords, 

and then coolly returned to her crossword.

i can't believe i missed this when it happened last month

 during a debate to mark armistice day.

the baron, tom king, had referred to the fact that "survivors of world war two were getting on a bit these days", a comment that baroness trumpington (you couldn't make these names up, could you?) objected to, particularly since she is a survivor herself. 

now 89 she served her country admirably during the war.

the last thing she wanted was a 77 year old young-slip-of-a-thing like this getting cheeky with her.

the two fingered salute, although common, 

has never been accepted as polite behaviour.

but, so it seems, an 89 year old can do it at will and

 without fear of admonishment.

now that i know this, i can't wait until i'm 89. i'll be flicking people off all the time and never apologising for it.

you can see the feisty trumpington at work here:

the act itself is fascinating enough. 

invariably it is given purely as an insult.

the story goes that it has its origin during the hundred years war during the 1400s (france v england - apparently still continuing today on some levels).

those pesky french acquired the habit of lopping off the arrow-shooting figures of captured english archers and bowmen. digitally complete english militarymen took to showing off their two-fingers at the french before they engaged in battle.

the sentiment remains to this day deep within 

the heart of every true englishman:

"show me a frenchman, and i will show him two fingers"

just ask david cameron, he'll tell you the same.

...for cottage cheese...

and there's none to be found. anywhere.

which is weird.

i've even started looking at methods of how to make it myself.

which is disturbing and in any civilised society

 should be unnecessary.

i wonder if cottage cheese travels well through the mail?

...for a number i can visualise...

sometimes it occurs to me that i am, perhaps, 

a man of very little brain.

everything around me is delivered in very big terms. 

the bigger the number the more interesting the story 

is perceived to be. apparently.

i'm not quite sure throughout what period of my life

 i began to get lost.

i am in control of my faculties throughout february, but visit me at the end of january, march, july, august, october or december and watch me fade. every leap year i take to my bed for one whole day.

i feel far more comfortable travelling at 70 miles per hour than i ever will at 112.654 kilometres per hour.

and i feel completely lost in a world of 7 billion souls.

when quantifying pi a figure of '3.1415' has always been sufficient for my practical purposes, although i understand that it has been computed (by people with far too much time on their hands i fear) to more than a trillion decimal places. and all this whilst a shorter version (to just 39 decimal places) would have provided enough accuracy to calculate the circumference of a circle as wide as the universe and with the precision of the size of one hydrogen atom. just thinking of that is giving me a nose-bleed.

i've been trying to find an accurately reported figure for total global debt. but it seems it is just too terrible an amount for anyone to have been brave enough to write down anywhere. 

i did read that the united states has (or had when i checked it a few days ago) a total debt of $15 trillion. which is nice for them since, if i'm honest with you, i don't really know what a trillion looks like. it is shortened to 'tr.' though, and that makes it far less threatening, although it's still not as friendly as its cousin 'bill.'

i think the time has come for more honesty in numbering.

such ridiculously large numbers are only quoted because they are too big for us to challenge. the truth is that no one even knows how much uncle sam owes, but the effect on the listener after hearing a figure of multiple-trillions is to render them temporarily blind and slightly paralysed. 

that's what happens to me anyway.

i have resolved, in future, to give a blanket term to any numbers larger than those i can comfortably imagine.

if i say it forcefully enough perhaps you too will go blind and feel tremors running the length of your limbs.

i've decided on 'vagillion'.

i think it is unsettling on more than one level, and delivered with a straight back and direct eye contact i fancy it will cure me of my hitherto debilitating phobia for large numbers.

i'll let you know how it goes.

...for the first mince pie of the season...

nothing counts down the days until christmas better than

 regular ingestion of mince pies.

i am horror-struck to discover my traditional supplier of such festive fare has sought to 'improve' their offering. 

this year 'mince pies' are off the menu, and have been 

replaced by 'deluxe mince pies'.

the prefix of 'deluxe' is explained by the fact that these pies now also have cream on the inside and custard on the outside.

which means they are not mince pies any more.

i didn't buy any.

why can't people just leave things alone?

these days i increasingly find that 

'luxury' is rarely a good thing.

regular, and eagle-eyed, readers of my posts will have spotted something in the image above that will have brought at least some joy to my heart. click here for a timely reminder. 

...for somewhere to call home... (part two)

prefabs sprout again.

prefabs never went away, they just got reinvented as

 'modular homes'.

factory built and assembled on site, these homes are not the future, but they are surely part of the future.

the mere knowledge that blu homes are built in a disused submarine factory is enough reason alone for me to want one.

i'll have mine without the jaunty music and woolly hats though. thank you very much.

still searching for somewhere to call home... (part one)

...for the perfect ride... (part four)

and it looks likely to be found in amsterdam.

at least i would be amongst kindred spirits.

graphic courtesy of adam spawton-rice and via dave moulton

whilst still searching i have got close to the

 perfect ride on other occasions:

part three

part two

part one

...for eternal life...

not for myself, but instead for the products that i buy.

why does most of what we buy 'date' so quickly?

because 'most' of what we buy is not designed well.

or at least not designed 'honestly'.

look at the products shown here. you couldn't be sure when they were designed. they all look current. they all look desirable.

juicer

radio

lighter

in fact they were designed (from top to bottom) in

 1959, 1972, 1961 and 1968.

they are all designs as relevant today as they were

 forty and fifty years ago.

why?

because the designer, dieter rams, obeyed the rules which one day he would go ahead and crystallize in this form:

1 - good design is innovative

2 - good design makes a product useful

3 - good design is aesthetic

4 - good design makes a product understandable

5 - good design is unobtrusive

6 - good design is honest

7 - good design is long-lasting

8 - good design is thorough, down to the last detail

9 - good design is environmentally-friendly

10 - good design is as little design as possible

it is ignorance of one or many of these 'ten commandments' that causes today's designers to create our world today.

and we are the ones who let them get away with it.

#morefoolus